Infidelity From The Woman's Perspective
When her husband engages in an affair, the impact on the woman is normally far more devastating than the man can possibly conceptualize.
The man may sometimes argue that it is only a small matter. He believes that his attempt to roam is not consequential for the relationship and should not impact his wife so severely. A lot of men sometimes nonchalantly express their perspective with these words:
“I am only giving expression to the natural biological urges with which God has endowed me. I have no intention of leaving her for another. She is my wife and always will be. Why does she make such a big thing of it? I just cannot understand why she is consumed in such agony and pain. I just don’t understand women.”
The woman, on the other hand, experiences such emotional trauma and excruciating pain that she looks upon his insensitivity in shock and amazement. She is writhing in anguish and pain while he looks dazed and unaffected.
It is important therefore that a man gets a glimpse of infidelity through the eyes of his wife.
Statistics have confirmed that, for some women who have been victims of an affair, infidelity is worse that rape. For others, it is like death in the family.
Infidelity transmits the painful message that she is not enough. That somebody else is more worthy of her husband’s time and attention. She feels unimportant and unwanted. Her self-esteem is eroded, and her dignity is ripped from her. She feels rejected, dejected and deserted. She may even start to question if life is worth living.
Some women even confess that the pain of an extramarital affair is so numbing, that they feel incapacitated by pain for many years.
Did you know that sixty percent of these women have had suicidal ideation?
Seventy percent experience symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Talk about the anxiety they experience, resulting in sleepless nights and the shame that keeps them from friends, relatives, and church members.
Is God concerned?
This violation of the marriage vows. This betrayal of filial love. This disregard for the sensitivity of the human soul is so potentially devastating to the emotional and physical wellbeing of the woman, and the sacredness of the marriage bed, that God categorically declares his disapproval of it.
God Places the prohibition against infidelity among the catalog of sins to avoid in the Ten Commandment decalogue, “Thou shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). He further declares that no one who continues to commit adultery will have a part with him in His kingdom but will be among those who will ultimately be destroyed.
(See Revelation 21:8)
A violation of the marriage vows
Infidelity, according to scripture, is an abrogation of the covenant of marriage. It represents a breach of trust and a violation of the marriage vows.
Infidelity, oftentimes, is the cause of broken homes and the production of delinquent children who wreak havoc upon society. One act of sexual betrayal can adversely impact the family, and the wider society for years to come.
How should we relate to the victims of infidelity?
Parents should assure their daughters and sons that they will always be there, providing emotional support for them. Let them know that the doors of your home are always open to receive them, that they are always your precious gem.
The church should embrace these care-worn pilgrims, reminding them that the church represents a hospital. The members should throw their arms around them, listen and “mourn with those who mourn” (Text). Remind them that God is a sympathizing friend, who “sticks closer than a brother”.
The guilty party should be encouraged to seek help, and to do so speedily. Educate them of the enormous pain created for the family (wife and children). Assist them in securing professional help. It’s important to remember that there are some cases of infidelity that may never be resolved without professional help.
How to protect yourself against infidelity
Statistically one third of men, and 10-15 percent of women are usually the perpetrators of infidelity. Men are a special target of the enemy of souls.
1. Set a hedge around your marriage. Don’t flirt with other members of the opposite sex. Avoid those occasions where you are found with her alone. The frequent lunch dates and private trips are potentially dangerous.
Be reminded that emotional attachment is formed through frequent connection and interaction.
2. a. Make your marriage beautiful. See your marriage as your second job. Fix the crack in the relationship. There’s a saying that all that is necessary for a thorn to grow is a crack in the sidewalk. If there are serious problems in the relationship, do not suffer in silence. Seek help. The fact is, if your spouse does not feel liked, loved, and respected they are always thinking of being elsewhere. Love, affirmation, and affection are primal needs of the human soul. Create in your marriage a culture of love and appreciation, a little heaven on earth.
b. Flirt with your wife. If you don’t flirt with her, you may want to flirt with another. The greatest need of your wife is the need for affection. It is the small acts that communicate “I’ve been thinking of you” that excite her.
c. Nurture your own garden.
If you neglect the care and nurture of your own garden, then the neighbors flourishing garden will always appear more beautiful and attractive. The way to make your wife “a fruitful vine” (Psalm 138: 3), is to understand her and meet her needs.
d. "Flee fornication", is the divine warning. You don't bargain or fight back, you get out and get running. The only posture the man of wisdom can assume in these circumstances is that of cowardice. Learn a lesson from Joseph (Genesis 39: 11–12) and take flight.
How to recover from an affair
Reach out for God's help. Ask: "Can God really help to restore my marriage?" Bow low at his feet and ask Him to climb down in the deep recesses of your heart and grant you the endurance and capability to deal with the pain that threatens to overwhelm you.
Wrestle with Him as Jacob did ( Genesis 32:22-32), until He grants you the assurance of peace within.
Before you decide to throw in the towel and call it quits. Before you beckon the attorney to furnish you with the bill of divorcement, just ask. If God were to ask me what I did with my marriage, would you be able to say, "I tried?" So, give it a try.
The guilty party must be brought to the place where they confront the issue, while taking full responsibility for their action. They disclose the details of the affair that are material to the restorative process.
You now have an opportunity to reveal the pain and trauma that they inflicted upon you and the family.
Until they express remorse and empathy, there is no true reparation of the relationship. If they are truly repentant, this is the time for them to express it.
They will seek to make restitution by vowing that there will not be a repeat performance. They are prepared to deal with the consequences and resolve to rebuild trust by asking, "What can I do to make it right?"
You don't heal by moving from grief but moving forward with grief. They will help you to heal by allowing you to rehearse the pain and trauma as often as you need to. They will listen patiently without being reactive or defensive. This is one way of helping you to heal.
This is your moment of forgiveness. You forgive, not only to help them, but to heal your heart. The healing process will be facilitated by your understanding that you will not use their past sins against them.
But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”