Naked and Unashamed:
A Marriage Course on Sexual Intimacy
HOW TO TAKE THIS COURSE: Work through one module per week. Watch the video first — then sit down together and complete the worksheet before moving on. Ground Rules No blame. No defensiveness. Listen to understand — not to respond. Write everything down. The breakthrough is in the work. After Each Module Sign the Covenant Commitment before moving to the next module. After you've completed the course: Book a coaching session at MrMarriage.com and keep your Marriage Covenant somewhere visible. One module. One week. One marriage transformed.
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God celebrates physical intimacy in marriage. This comprehensive course teaches you how to create a fulfilling intimate life—honestly, openly, and biblically. Explore passion, pleasure, and deep physical connection in a safe, judgment-free environment designed for married couples. Let's begin.
Understanding Sexual Intimacy
HOW TO TAKE THIS COURSE: God celebrates physical intimacy in marriage. This comprehensive course teaches you how to create a fulfilling intimate life
Expectation
A leading cause of divorce
Everybody enters marriage with expectations. These expectations are hidden rules that form our reality of how a marriage should function. These expectations are usually unconscious (hidden) rules that we expect our partner to comply with.
Expectation
A leading cause of divorce
Everybody enters marriage with expectations. These expectations are hidden rules that form our reality of how a marriage should function. These expectations are usually unconscious (hidden) rules that we expect our partner to comply with.
Meet the author
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Lloyd Allen is a Theologian, Author, and Speaker, and the Founder and CEO of Fixing Marriages Academy, Inc. Trained as a Marriage and Family Therapist at Barry University, with honors, Lloyd brings 30 years of experience helping couples around the world repair, restore, and rebuild their marriages. Happily married and the father of two, Lloyd's greatest passion is helping you build a happy, loving marriage that lasts.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
HOW TO TAKE THIS COURSE
HOW TO TAKE THIS COURSE: NAKED AND UNASHAMED • A MARRIAGE COURSE How to Use This Course 1. Watch the videos. Each module has a companion video teaching. Watch the video for the module first. It sets the context, names the dynamics, and prepares you for the written content and the worksheet. 2. Read each module. The module content in this ebook expands and deepens the video teaching. Reading it after watching the video reinforces the framework and prepares both spouses for the worksheet. 3. Download the worksheet. Each module has a companion worksheet available for download at MrMarriage.com. Print two copies — one for each spouse. The worksheet is where the real work happens. 4. Complete worksheets privately before sharing. Both spouses complete their answers individually before reading them to each other. The private completion produces honest answers. The sharing produces a connection. 5. Do not rush. Work through one module at a time. A couple who completes one module per week will finish the course in eleven weeks, having done more honest relational work than most couples do in eleven years. 6. Return to the worksheets. The commitments made at the end of each worksheet are worth returning to. Date them. Review them. Hold each other to them. The practices built here are meant to outlast the curriculum. 7. Get professional support where needed. Several modules address dynamics — betrayal trauma, sexual shutdown, pornography, chronic low libido — that may require professional therapeutic support. Where a module raises something that exceeds what a worksheet can address, pursue help. “A couple who completes one module per week will finish in eleven weeks, having done more honest relational work than most couples do in eleven years.”
Printable Document (PDF)
MODULE 1 — The Theology of Sexual Intimacy
Why sex in marriage is not a concession to the flesh — it is a covenant act designed by God to mirror the union between Christ and the Church.
MODULE 1 — The Theology of Sexual Intimacy Why sex in marriage is not a concession to the flesh — it is a covenant act designed by God to mirror the union between Christ and the Church. The church has historically communicated shame around sexuality rather than the robust theology Scripture actually provides — leaving married couples without a framework for healthy, guilt-free intimacy Song of Solomon is not an allegory about God and Israel — it is an explicit celebration of erotic love between a husband and wife, and its presence in the canon is itself a theological statement Sex in marriage serves three distinct biblical purposes: procreation, pleasure, and covenant renewal — most Christian couples have been taught only the first The husband's body belongs to his wife and the wife's body belongs to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:4) — mutual ownership is the design, not a concession to weakness Withholding sex from a spouse is a spiritual act, not merely a relational one — it breaks covenant in a domain God specifically designated for bonding and protection Psychological: Research consistently shows that sexual satisfaction is one of the strongest predictors of overall marital satisfaction — and that couples with a healthy theological framework for sex report significantly less shame, greater frequency, and deeper emotional connection than those operating from a shame-based model. Theological: Genesis 2:24-25 establishes nakedness without shame as the original design. The Fall introduced shame into the sexual domain. The covenant of marriage is the only institution God designated as the place where that shame is fully and appropriately removed — not tolerated, but designed out.
MODULE 2 — The Frequency Problem
Why couples stop having sex is rarely about sex — it is about everything that sex requires that has quietly broken down.
**MODULE 2 — The Frequency Problem** *Why couples stop having sex is rarely about sex — it is about everything that sex requires that has quietly broken down.* --- - Frequency decline is almost never about physical attraction — it is almost always about unresolved emotional distance, accumulated resentment, and the unspoken conclusion that vulnerability is no longer safe with this person - Exhaustion is real but it is also a symptom — couples who are highly connected emotionally find time and energy for sex; couples who are disconnected find reasons not to - Body image is one of the most underreported drivers of low-frequency marriages, particularly among wives — shame about physical changes after pregnancy, aging, or weight gain produces withdrawal that looks like low desire but is actually fear of being seen - The spouse with higher desire almost always personalizes the decline — interpreting their partner's withdrawal as rejection, unattractiveness, or evidence of a failing marriage - Most couples never have a direct, honest conversation about their sexual frequency — they negotiate it silently through pursuit, avoidance, and resentment, which guarantees the problem deepens **Psychological:** Gottman's research identifies sexual dissatisfaction as one of the top three predictors of divorce. The couples most at risk are not those who fight about sex — they are the ones who stopped talking about it entirely, substituting silence for the conversation that might actually change something. **Theological:** 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 does not suggest that spouses meet each other's needs — it commands it, using the language of debt and obligation. Paul's framework is not romantic — it is covenantal. Frequency is not a preference to be negotiated; it is a covenant responsibility to be honored, and its neglect leaves both spouses spiritually and relationally exposed.
MODULE 3 — His Needs, Her Needs: The Design Difference
The most common source of sexual frustration in marriage is not incompatibility — it is the failure to understand that men and women were designed with fundamentally different pathways to intimacy.
MODULE 3 — His Needs, Her Needs: The Design Difference The most common source of sexual frustration in marriage is not incompatibility — it is the failure to understand that men and women were designed with fundamentally different pathways to intimacy. Men are primarily aroused visually and physically — desire often precedes emotional connection and can exist independently of relational health; for most husbands, sex is how he gets close Women are primarily aroused contextually and emotionally — desire follows safety, emotional attunement, and felt appreciation; for most wives, closeness is what makes sex possible This design difference creates a predictable and destructive cycle: he pursues sex to feel connected; she needs connection before sex is possible; he feels rejected; she feels used; both withdraw The husband who understands his wife's design stops treating foreplay as a five-minute event before sex and starts treating the entire day — how he speaks to her, serves her, and sees her — as the actual foreplay The wife who understands her husband's design stops interpreting his sexual pursuit as shallow and starts receiving it as his primary language of love, vulnerability, and desire for closeness Psychological: Rosemary Basson's research on female sexual response demonstrates that women frequently experience responsive rather than spontaneous desire — meaning arousal follows stimulation and safety rather than preceding it. This is not dysfunction. It is design. Husbands who understand this stop waiting for their wives to initiate and start creating the conditions that make desire possible. Theological: The husband is commanded to dwell with his wife according to knowledge (1 Peter 3:7) — the word translated "knowledge" is the same root used for sexual intimacy in the Old Testament. To know your wife sexually is inseparable from knowing her as a person. The design difference is not a problem to be solved — it is an invitation to the kind of knowing that honors the covenant.
MODULE 4 — When She Has Shut Down
Female sexual shutdown is not stubbornness, low drive, or withholding — it is a protection response, and it will not reverse until its causes are addressed directly.
MODULE 4 — When She Has Shut Down Female sexual shutdown is not stubbornness, low drive, or withholding — it is a protection response, and it will not reverse until its causes are addressed directly. Sexual shutdown in women is almost always a symptom of something upstream — emotional disconnection, unresolved conflict, feeling unseen or undervalued, or a history of feeling that sex is something done to her rather than with her Contempt is the single most reliable predictor of female sexual shutdown — when a wife feels criticized, dismissed, or disrespected by her husband, her body will eventually refuse what her mind has not yet named Unaddressed sexual trauma — from before or within the marriage — is far more prevalent than either spouse typically acknowledges, and it shapes the sexual response in ways that require specific, patient, and informed care Many wives in shutdown have tried to communicate what they need and been dismissed, minimized, or met with frustration — the shutdown is often the result of concluded that words will not work Recovery from shutdown requires the husband to lead with sustained, non-sexual affection — physical warmth with no agenda, over a long enough period, that the wife's nervous system begins to relearn safety Psychological: Peter Levine's trauma research and Emily Nagoski's work on sexual brakes and accelerators both point to the same reality — the female sexual response is exquisitely sensitive to threat cues, real or perceived. A wife in shutdown is not broken. Her nervous system is functioning exactly as designed. The environment, not the woman, is what needs to change. Theological: Ephesians 5:25-29 commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church — which means sacrificial, patient, non-coercive pursuit. A husband whose response to his wife's shutdown is pressure, guilt, or withdrawal is operating outside his covenant role. The husband's calling is to create the conditions of safety that make her flourishing — including sexual flourishing — possible.
MODULE 5 — When He Has Checked Out
Male sexual withdrawal is one of the most confusing and damaging dynamics a wife can experience — and one of the least talked about in Christian marriage spaces.
MODULE 5 — When He Has Checked Out Male sexual withdrawal is one of the most confusing and damaging dynamics a wife can experience — and one of the least talked about in Christian marriage spaces. Male sexual withdrawal is not always about pornography — it can be driven by performance anxiety, fear of rejection, emotional disconnection, depression, or the accumulated weight of feeling like a failure as a husband Pornography rewires the brain's reward system away from real intimacy and toward a frictionless, consequence-free substitute — a husband who has used pornography extensively often finds real-sex with his wife emotionally demanding in ways that make avoidance easier than engagement The wife of a checked-out husband almost universally concludes she is the problem — that she is unattractive, undesirable, or that he is getting his needs met elsewhere; this conclusion is devastating and almost always wrong Performance anxiety creates a self-reinforcing cycle — the more a husband fears failure, the more he avoids, the more distance grows, the higher the stakes become, the more he avoids Restoration requires the husband to name what is happening rather than disappear into silence — and requires the wife to create a response environment that makes honesty feel safer than avoidance Psychological: Research on male sexual avoidance identifies shame as the primary driver — not low desire. Men who check out are rarely uninterested in sex. They are managing a shame spiral that makes the risks of engagement feel greater than the rewards. Gottman's work identifies stonewalling — emotional withdrawal — as one of the four horsemen of marital collapse, and sexual stonewalling operates by the same mechanism. Theological: The husband's covenantal responsibility is not contingent on his emotional readiness or comfort. 1 Corinthians 7 places the obligation of meeting a spouse's sexual needs on both partners without exception. Silence and avoidance are not neutral — they are covenant failures that require the same repentance and repair as any other form of marital neglect.
MODULE 6 — Low Male Libido
Low male libido is the most underaddressed sexual dynamic in Christian marriage — partly because men will not name it, and partly because the church has no framework for a husband who wants sex less than his wife.
MODULE 6 — Low Male Libido Low male libido is the most underaddressed sexual dynamic in Christian marriage — partly because men will not name it, and partly because the church has no framework for a husband who wants sex less than his wife. Low male libido is far more common than reported — testosterone levels in men have declined significantly across the last three decades, and the majority of affected men have never had a medical conversation about it The causes are often physiological — low testosterone, thyroid dysfunction, sleep deprivation, obesity, chronic stress, and medication side effects, particularly SSRIs — and are frequently addressable once identified The psychological dimension is equally significant — depression, low self-worth, unresolved trauma, and the chronic stress of financial pressure or vocational dissatisfaction suppress male desire in ways that are real, measurable, and rarely named A wife married to a low-libido husband experiences a specific and brutal form of rejection — she does not feel unattractive in the conventional sense, she feels unwanted, which is worse; and she almost never tells anyone because the cultural script does not account for her situation A husband's covenantal responsibility does not disappear when desire is absent — he is called to pursue medical answers, communicate honestly with his wife, and engage her needs even in seasons when his own drive is diminished Psychological: Research on hypoactive sexual desire disorder in men — only recently classified and studied — reveals that the condition is significantly underdiagnosed and undertreated, in part because male low libido contradicts cultural assumptions about male sexuality. The shame men carry around low desire is distinct from and arguably heavier than the shame women carry — because it violates the script men are handed about what masculinity requires. Theological: Headship in marriage includes leading in the sexual domain — not performing on demand, but pursuing the health, honesty, and engagement that the covenant requires. A husband who passively accepts diminished libido without seeking medical help or communicating with his wife is not practicing headship. He is practicing absence, which is its own form of covenant failure.
MODULE 7 — The Conversation You Have Never Had
Most couples have never had a direct, honest conversation about sex — what they want, what has hurt them, what is not working, and what they are hoping for. The absence of that conversation is doing more damage than most couples realize.
MODULE 7 — The Conversation You Have Never Had Most couples have never had a direct, honest conversation about sex — what they want, what has hurt them, what is not working, and what they are hoping for. The absence of that conversation is doing more damage than most couples realize. The majority of married couples negotiate their sexual relationship entirely through behavior — pursuit, avoidance, compliance, and withdrawal — and never through direct language; this means the most important domain of the marriage is being managed by inference and assumption Most spouses have sexual preferences, unmet needs, and past hurts they have never named to their partner — not because they do not want to, but because they have no framework for the conversation and fear that naming a need will be received as a criticism or a demand The language of desire is different from the language of complaint — "I miss being close to you that way" opens a door that "we never have sex anymore" locks permanently; the framing of the conversation determines whether it becomes an invitation or an indictment Timing and environment are not trivial — a conversation about sexual needs attempted in the middle of an argument, immediately before or after sex, or in a state of emotional exhaustion will almost certainly produce defensiveness rather than connection Both spouses carry sexual history — previous relationships, formative experiences, and wounds — that shape their current responses in ways their partner cannot see; naming that history is not optional for couples who want genuine intimacy Psychological: Research on sexual communication consistently identifies it as one of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction — stronger than frequency, compatibility, or physical attraction. Couples who can speak directly and kindly about their sexual needs report dramatically higher satisfaction than couples who cannot, regardless of how often they have sex. The conversation is the intimacy. Theological: Proverbs 31 describes a wife whose husband fully trusts her — the Hebrew word for trust implies safe vulnerability without fear of harm. The marriage bed is the one place in human experience where that kind of trust should be most fully expressed. A couple who cannot speak honestly about their sexual needs has not yet built the covenant safety that marriage was designed to produce.
MODULE 8 — Frequency, Initiation, and the Power Dynamic
Who initiates, who declines, and who carries the weight of desire are not trivial logistics — they are the architecture of the sexual relationship, and the asymmetry almost always produces resentment in both directions.
MODULE 8 — Frequency, Initiation, and the Power Dynamic Who initiates, who declines, and who carries the weight of desire are not trivial logistics — they are the architecture of the sexual relationship, and the asymmetry almost always produces resentment in both directions. In most marriages one spouse carries the weight of initiation consistently — and the other spouse, regardless of their own desire level, comes to associate sex with obligation, pressure, or the need to manage their partner's emotional state The spouse who initiates more frequently does not only experience rejection when declined — they experience a gradual erosion of desire itself, as the repeated vulnerability of initiation without reciprocation becomes psychologically unsustainable The spouse who declines more frequently is rarely indifferent — they are often managing their own shame about the gap, their own unmet emotional needs, or their body's failure to produce desire on someone else's timeline Refusal — particularly chronic refusal — is one of the most damaging relational acts in a marriage, not because sex is owed on demand, but because repeated rejection communicates to the initiating spouse that their desire is a burden rather than a gift A shared initiation culture requires an explicit agreement — not a romantic one but a practical one — about frequency expectations, about how each spouse prefers to be approached, and about what a decline means and does not mean Psychological: Research on initiation asymmetry identifies it as a primary driver of long-term sexual dissatisfaction in marriage — more predictive than compatibility or physical attraction. The initiating spouse gradually develops what researchers call desire fatigue — a protective suppression of their own desire to avoid the pain of rejection. Once established, desire fatigue is difficult to reverse and often precedes complete sexual shutdown in the higher-desire spouse. Theological: 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 places the responsibility of meeting a spouse's sexual needs on both partners — not the one with higher desire. The command is mutual, active, and specific. Depriving a spouse of sexual intimacy is not a neutral act — Paul frames it as giving Satan an opportunity, which suggests that the consequences extend well beyond the bedroom and into the spiritual health of the marriage.
MODULE 9 — After the Wound: Rebuilding After Betrayal, Pornography, or Rejection.
Sexual betrayal — whether through infidelity, pornography, or chronic refusal — leaves a specific kind of damage that ordinary marriage advice does not reach. Rebuilding requires more than forgiveness. It requires a rebuilding of the entire relational architecture.
MODULE 9 — After the Wound: Rebuilding After Betrayal, Pornography, or Rejection Sexual betrayal — whether through infidelity, pornography, or chronic refusal — leaves a specific kind of damage that ordinary marriage advice does not reach. Rebuilding requires more than forgiveness. It requires a rebuilding of the entire relational architecture. Sexual betrayal is distinct from other marital wounds because it attacks the one domain where a spouse was most vulnerable — the place where they were most naked, most exposed, and most trusting; the damage is therefore not merely relational but identity-level Pornography use by a husband is experienced by most wives not as a moral failure but as a personal rejection — she was available, she was willing, and he chose a screen; the logic of that choice, however distorted, lands as verdict on her desirability Chronic sexual refusal — sustained over months or years — constitutes a form of marital wound that is rarely named as such; the refused spouse carries the damage of repeated rejection without the cultural permission to call it what it is Premature pressure to resume sexual intimacy after betrayal — before the wounded spouse has processed the violation — produces a compliance that looks like reconciliation but is actually a second wound layered on the first Genuine rebuilding requires a period of transparent accountability, sustained non-sexual affection, honest naming of what happened and what it cost, and enough time for the wounded spouse's nervous system to relearn safety with this specific person Psychological: Betrayal trauma research — particularly the work of Jennifer Freyd — identifies sexual betrayal as a distinct category of trauma whose severity correlates directly with the degree of dependence and trust in the relationship. The more intimate the bond, the more catastrophic the betrayal. Recovery is not linear, is not primarily cognitive, and cannot be rushed by either spouse's timeline. What heals it is not time alone but the sustained presence of safety — which only the betraying spouse can provide. Theological: Hosea's covenant with Gomer is the most direct biblical picture of what sexual betrayal and restoration look like within a covenant framework — God does not simply forgive Israel's unfaithfulness, He pursues her, speaks tenderly to her, and leads her back through the wilderness into a renewed covenant. The betraying spouse's calling is not to expect forgiveness but to do the sustained, costly work of pursuit and repair that makes the wounded spouse's return feel safe rather than pressured.
MODULE 10 — Physical Intimacy Across the Seasons of Marriage
Every marriage passes through seasons that reshape sexuality — and couples who navigate them well do not do so by accident. They share a framework that allows them to adapt without losing each other.
MODULE 10 — Physical Intimacy Across the Seasons of Marriage Every marriage passes through seasons that reshape sexuality — and couples who navigate them well do not do so by accident. They share a framework that allows them to adapt without losing each other. The postpartum season is one of the most sexually disruptive in marriage — hormonal shifts, physical recovery, sleep deprivation, and the psychological transition to parenthood combine to produce a period where the wife's body is temporarily inaccessible and the husband's needs are unmet, often without either spouse having the language to navigate it Perimenopause and menopause produce hormonal changes that directly affect female sexual response — vaginal dryness, reduced libido, and physical discomfort — that are medical realities requiring medical attention, not evidence of lost desire or failed marriage Aging reshapes male sexuality as well — slower arousal, changed refractory periods, and testosterone decline alter the mechanics of sex in ways that require adaptation rather than avoidance; couples who adapt together remain intimate, couples who avoid the conversation drift Chronic illness — including depression, chronic pain, cancer treatment, and disability — does not eliminate the need for physical intimacy but requires a renegotiation of what intimacy looks like; couples who maintain physical closeness through illness report significantly better outcomes for both spouses The empty nest season is the most underrated sexual opportunity in marriage — freed from the relentless demands of parenting, couples who have maintained their connection often experience a second sexual flourishing that rivals the early years Psychological: Longitudinal research on marital sexuality consistently shows that couples who maintain sexual intimacy into their sixties, seventies, and beyond share one common characteristic — they talked about it. They treated their sexual relationship as something to be actively tended rather than passively experienced. The couples who stop are rarely those with medical limitations. They are the ones who stopped regarding their sexual connection as worth the conversation. Theological: The covenant of marriage is not seasonal — it is permanent. The commitment made at the altar does not include an expiration clause for the physical union. Song of Solomon portrays a sexuality that is fully embodied, fully joyful, and fully integrated with the couple's entire life together — not a phase of early marriage but a continuous expression of the covenant. Each season reshapes the expression. The covenant protects the commitment.
MODULE 11 — Building a Permanent Intimacy Culture
Couples who maintain deep sexual intimacy for decades are not lucky. They are intentional. They have built a marriage culture that treats intimacy as something to be protected, tended, and returned to — not as a reward for a good week but as a foundation of the covenant itself.
MODULE 11 — Building a Permanent Intimacy Culture Couples who maintain deep sexual intimacy for decades are not lucky. They are intentional. They have built a marriage culture that treats intimacy as something to be protected, tended, and returned to — not as a reward for a good week but as a foundation of the covenant itself. A permanent intimacy culture begins with a shared theology — both spouses understanding and agreeing that sexual intimacy is a covenant responsibility, not a preference, and that its consistent neglect is a spiritual matter, not merely a relational inconvenience Daily rituals — the six-second kiss, meaningful physical greeting and farewell, non-sexual touch without agenda — are not romantic gestures but neurological maintenance; they keep the body's bonding system activated between sexual encounters A protected date culture is the structural foundation of sustained intimacy — couples who maintain a consistent, non-negotiable weekly date report dramatically higher sexual frequency and satisfaction than those who allow the date to be consumed by logistics and parenting Periodic honest conversation about the sexual relationship — what is working, what is not, what each spouse needs — prevents the silent accumulation of unmet needs that eventually produces the shutdown, withdrawal, and resentment that the earlier modules address Couples who pray together, serve together, and maintain active spiritual connection report consistently higher sexual satisfaction — not because spirituality is a technique for better sex, but because the spiritual bond and the physical bond draw from the same relational well Psychological: Research on long-term sexual satisfaction — including Gottman's longitudinal studies and Perel's work on desire in long-term relationships — points consistently to the same conclusion: couples who sustain desire over decades are those who maintain novelty, prioritize the relationship above all other relational demands, and treat their partner as a person to be continually known rather than a role to be managed. The culture is the product of a thousand small decisions made consistently over time. Theological: Ecclesiastes 9:9 commands a man to enjoy life with the wife he loves — the word enjoy is active, present tense, and unqualified by season or circumstance. The permanent intimacy culture is not a program or a curriculum — it is the lived expression of a covenant kept. What Module 1 establishes theologically, Module 11 sustains practically. The marriage that begins with a theology of nakedness without shame ends — decades later — with two people who have learned to be fully known and fully safe with one another.
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