Creating A Great Marriage
A great marriage does not just happen. It must be created. These ten components reveal the secret to creating a triumphant marriage. Click the module that is of interest to you and commence the learning process.
Divorce Prevention
PARENTING
LEADERSHIP
01
Family Finance
Did you know that the principal cause of divorce in North America is money? Not that there is not enough, but people lack the skills to properly manage their family's finance. Here I teach all you'll need to know to manage your money, so your money will not manage you. Learn more by clicking the box below
Mastering the art of money management in marriage
There is a video discussing each of these important components:
When mutual consent is required
Who should be minister of finance?
How do I regard a gift?
When the wife earns more
What should be your mode of operation?
Let's talk about death and the inheritance
Names on bank account
Should you split the bills?
Should you support the Step-kids and In-laws
An economic base for the children
Insurance and Trust
What You should teach your children about money
Should you make a budget?
ENROLL IN THE COURSE AND WATCH ALL VIDEOS HERE
02
SEX
What do you know about sex? Failure to master a true knowledge of sex could lead to a lifetime of pain, regret and dissatisfaction. Start your education here. Click the arrow below:
Mastering the art of Human Sexuality
There is a video discussing each of these important componentsof sex:
How would you respond if I told you that sex is very uncomfortable, even painful for me?
Please share your understanding of the real purpose of sex.
Considering that men and women are wired differently, what do you know about my perspective of sex?
Or. Why do women view sex differently than men?
Is sex more about your enjoyment or the other person's satisfaction. Explain why?
It is said that the man is a gas stove and the woman a hot plate. What does that mean?
Is sex only physical for you? Is it also psychological? Explain
What would you do to initiate a resolution of sexual rejection in the bedroom?
If your partner is too tired or stressed to perform sexually, how would you respond?
Is sex important to you? How would you attempt to enhance your sex life?
Do you think we should openly and candidly discuss our sex life?
If your partner told you they are not ready or in the mood, how would you respond?
If I were ever to lose interest in sex, would you disolve the relationship? Would you divorce me?
Which is more important to you. Sex or non-sexual affection?
How many children do you want to have?
Sex is not profane. It is sacred. What does this mean to you?
What's your view of sexual betrayal (Infidelity)?
Why do you think you are capable of being loyal to one partner for life?
What are your moral boundaries with regards to sex?
Will you respect my moral boundaries?
Enroll in the course and watch all videos here
10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex
The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.
Sex not only feels good. It can also be good for you. Here’s what a healthy sex life can do for you.
1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming
“Sexually active people take fewer sick days,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD a sexual health expert.
People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of the a certain antibody compared to students who had sex less often.
You should still do all the other things that make your immune system happy, such as:
Eat right.
Stay active.
Get enough sleep.
Keep up with your vaccinations.
2. Boosts Your Libido
Longing for a more lively sex life? “Having sex will make sex better and will improve your libido,” says Lauren Streicher, MD. She is an assistant clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.
For women, having sex ups vaginal lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, she says, all of which make sex feel better and help you crave more of it.
3. Improves Women's Bladder Control
A strong pelvic floor is important for avoiding incontinence, something that will affect about 30% of women at some point in their lives.
Good sex is like a workout for your pelvic floor muscles. When you have an orgasm, it causes contractions in those muscles, which strengthens them.
4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure
Research suggests a link between sex and lower blood pressure, says Joseph J. Pinzone, MD. He is CEO and medical director of Amai Wellness.
“There have been many studies,” he says. “One landmark study found that sexual intercourse specifically (not masturbation) lowered systolic blood pressure.” That's the first number on your blood pressure test.
5. Counts as Exercise
“Sex is a really great form of exercise,” Pinzone says. It won’t replace the treadmill, but it counts for something.
Sex uses about five calories per minute, four more calories than watching TV. It gives you a one-two punch: It bumps up your heart rate and uses various muscles.
So get busy! You may even want to clear your schedule to make time for it on a regular basis. “Like with exercise, consistency helps maximize the benefits,” Pinzone says.
6. Lowers Heart Attack Risk
A good sex life is good for your heart. Besides being a great way to raise your heart rate, sex helps keep your estrogen and testosterone levels in balance.
“When either one of those is low you begin to get lots of problems, like osteoporosis and even heart disease,” Pinzone says.
Having sex more often may help. During one study, men who had sex at least twice a week were half as likely to die of heart disease as men who had sex rarely.
7. Lessens Pain
Before you reach for an aspirin, try for an orgasm.
“Orgasm can block pain,” says Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. It releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.
Stimulation without orgasm can also do the trick. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache,” Komisaruk says.
8. May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely
Going for the gusto may help ward off prostate cancer.
Men who ejaculated frequently (at least 21 times a month) were less likely to get prostate cancer during one study, which was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
You don’t need a partner to reap this benefit: Sexual intercourse, nocturnal emission, and masturbation were all part of the equation.
It's not clear that sex was the only reason that mattered in that study. Lots of factors affect cancer risk. But more sex won’t hurt.
9. Improves Sleep
You may nod off more quickly after sex, and for good reason.
“After orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released, which is responsible for the feelings of relaxation and sleepiness" after sex, says Sheenie Ambardar, MD. She is a psychiatrist in West Hollywood, Calif.
10. Eases Stress
Being close to your partner can soothe stress and anxiety.
Ambardar says touching and hugging can release your body's natural “feel-good hormone.” Sexual arousal releases a brain chemical that revs up your brain’s pleasure and reward system.
Sex and intimacy can boost your self-esteem and happiness, too, Ambardar says. It’s not only a prescription for a healthy life, but a happy one.
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Carol DerSarkissian, MD on March 06, 2022
file:///C:/Users/Lloyd/OneDrive/Health%20Benefits%20of%20Sex.pdf
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03
Conflict Resolution Techniques
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How to resolve conflict and restore relationships
Conflict resolution skills: One of the most important life skills for happiness in this life. If we are to live and interact successfully with people, learning how to resolve conflicts is crucial.
In Marriage, your ability to resolve conflicts will determine whether you will be able to maintain the relationship.
Three things happen when we fail to resolve conflicts:
We become Distant. Living emotional distant from the person you should be close to. Demanding and Defensive
Two kinds of people in a relationship. You are either a Disaster or a Master of relationships.
Unresolved conflicts damage our lives:
1. Blocks my relationship with God (1 John 4: 20). We cannot love God while hating people. We cannot be right with God and wrong with people.
2. Blocks our prayers (1 Peter 3: 7).
3. Blocks our happiness. We reap what we sow (James 3: 18). Sowing & Reaping. We normally get back more than we sow. If we sow gossip, we reap gossip. If we saw anger in our children and spouse, we get anger back and we normally get back more than we Plant. Example, corn.
A general principle to remember when resolving conflicts:
Take a solution focused approach
Have Restorative conversation
Focus on healing
Ask: Can I repair it when you get upset? Repair as you go
Love is like a tender plant. Easily damaged if not treated with TLC.
Some are in the Ego Trap. They want to vilify everyone they meet. Their ego will not let them repair the relationship.
They do not repair it because of the lack of knowledge and perspective to do so differently. They need training on relationship improvement.
1. Make The First Move
Reconciliation in our relationship is more important than worship. “Leave your gift”. Reconciliation is priority.
Matthew 5: 23, 24 “Leave thy gift, first be reconciled to….”
Matt.5: 9 “Blessed are the peacemakers.” (Not avoiding or appeasing)
The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it, to go through it.
Conflicts are never resolved accidentally. They do not resolve themselves.
Some are fearful. Fear can keep you from resolving conflicts
Some demonstrate fear because of the possible response from their partner.
2. Take responsibility for at least a part of the problem.
Exercise humility. 95 percent of conflicts can be resolved when we possess humility.
Begin with: “What is my fault?”
Put away pride. Get out of the ego trap.
James 4:1
Proverbs 13: 10
3. Listen to their hurt and perspective
Be considerate of the doubts and fears of others.
James 1:19 “Quick to hear, slow to speak”.
Know what hurt them that made them hurt you.
Start with their need, hurt and their interest.
Do you want to be a good salesman? Focus on their interest, not yours.
Listen to the emotion behind the words.
The true meaning is normally behind the rhetoric.
Proverbs 18: 13 “Get the full story”.
Be ready to learn. Be teachable
Always listen before speaking. That is the key to resolving conflicts. You show you love them by listening to them.
Seek more to understand than to be understood.
4. Speak the truth tactfully
Do everything to preserve love what can separate us from the love of God
Two imperfect people cannot make a perfect marriage, so set some ground rules.
You are never persuasive when you are abrasive.
Some say, “I’m going to speak it like it is”. No. You speak it in love.
You never get your point across by being cross.
Proverbs 12: 18 “Don’t be reckless”. Reckless words pierce like a sword”.
Foolish words hurt. Wise words heal.
If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively.
Ephesians 4:29 (Not harmful words, but helpful words”.
5. Attack problem, not people.
Never use the “You” statements. Instead, use the “I” statements.
Express how you feel. No one can deny how you feel.
Matthew 12: 37. “For by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned.”
Truth without Love is resisted
Truth with Love is received
6. Be ready to forgive and apologize
Apology is so important in a relationship that, typically a ruptured relationship cannot be repaired except through genuine apology. On the other hand, apology has the power to melt away resentment, bitterness and grudge and pave the way for restoration and reconciliation.
Apology is an acknowledgement that you are not perfect. The vulnerability created is a necessary step towards relinquishing the old mistakes and replacing them with a new perspective. Simply put, it is an opportunity for us to grow.
There are five (5) components of an apology:
1. Expressing regret. Say what you are apologizing for and be specific about it. David declared before God, 'I am guilty of blood-guiltiness" (Psalm 51). This demonstrates sincerity, remorse and empathy, without which our apology is only an empty platitude.
2. Taking responsibility. You understand how your behavior has inflicted pain and has hurt the relationship, and you take full responsibility for your action. You don't attempt to defend your behavior by deflecting blame or finding excuses. Example, If you didn't do that I would not have done this". You face the issues squarely and you are ready to deal with the consequences.
3. Making restitution. Here, you ask the question, "Is there something I can do to make it right?" The rich young ruler, in conversation with Jesus, was ready to make it right.
4. Changing our behavior. If you are genuinely repentant you will possess an ardent desire to change your behavior. You make a promise that there will not be a repeat performance. "Godly sorrow worked repentance" ( Text). If your behavior does not convince the other person that you have made a right about turn, then you have not really apologized.
5. Requesting forgiveness. There are some who never feel like you have apologized except you ask for forgiveness. If this is how your spouse views apology, then you must literally request their forgiveness.
There is power in apology to turn your marriage around. You cannot change your partner, but you can influence them towards reconciliation by your sincere apology.
Some Conflict Resolution Tips to Remember
A. Do not raise your voice improve your argument
B. Do not yell. TALK. You resolve issues through dialogue
C. Remember it is not so much about the volume of your speech, or the echo of your voice, but the validity of your argument
D. Do not dictate. Persuade
E. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Do not take everything personal
F. If both of you were to think alike, then one of you would be unnecessary.
G. You would not want to be living with a robot.
H. Avoid blanket statements like “Never; Always”
I. Be a great listener (If she is upset and ready to talk….)
J. You must possess humility
K. You mut communicate. Your spouse is not a mind-reader
L. Do not make assumption. Get the facts
M. You converse, not to condemn, but to understand. A man yearns to e understood. She needs a great listener.
N. Psalm 147: 3 Our words can heal/bind up
O. Isa. 61:1 Bind up the broken heart
P. Never hold grudge o keep malice
Respect each other’s differences. Seek to achieve harmony in diversity
Bible References
1 Corinthian 15: 33 Evil communication corrupt good manners
Ephesians 4: 29 let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth
Matthew 12: 37. “For by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned.”
Proverbs 12: 18 “Don’t be reckless”. Reckless words pierce like a sword”.
Matthew 5: 23, 24 “Leave thy gift, first be reconciled to….”
Matt.5: 9 “Blessed are the peacemakers.”
James 1:19 “Quick to hear, slow to speak”.
Never shame your spouse. Remember, you must possess emotional intelligence.
Ephesians 4: 29 No corrupt communication should proceed out of your mouth.
Do everything to preserve love.
“What can separate us from the love of God”.
Bible references cont’d
John 13: 35 “Ye are my disciples…Love another”.
2 Corinthians 5: 18 “The ministry of reconciliation”
Gen. 3 “I hid because I was afraid”
2 Timothy 1:7 “Ask God for wisdom”.
James 1:7 “Ask God for wisdom”
James 4:1 “What’s my fault?”
Proverbs 13:10 Pride- The primary cause of conflict.
Proverbs 18: 13 Get the full story. Listen before answering
Eph 2: 4-5 Look to the intent of others. Intentionally switch your focus from yours to theirs. “Scopas” Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
Proverbs 31 Praise your spouse/Respect
Matt 5: 23,24 Leave your gifts at the altar
Matt 5:9 Peacemakers
1 John 4 20 Love God/ Love people.
James 3: 18 Plan seeds of peace.
Proverbs 12: 18 Reckless words pierce like a sword.
Ephesians 4: 29 Not harmful words, but helpful words
Eze 36: 26 Humility
Proverbs 15: 1 A Soft answer
Proverbs 26: 20 Where there’s wood
Matt 10: 16 Be wise as a serpent
Prov 16: 24 Put a watch on your tongue
Matt 18: 15 Tell him his fault- he and thee alone
Bible References
Conflict resolution with the family
King James Bible 2 Corinthians 5: 18 “The ministry of reconciliation”
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
Proverbs 18: 13 Get the full story. Listen before answering
New King James Version He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him. New American Standard Bible One who gives an answer before he hears, It is foolishness and shame to him.
Matt 5: 23,24 Leave your gifts at the altar
23“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
Matt 18: 15 Tell him his fault- he and thee alone
15“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16“But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED.
Proverbs 12:18
18 Speaking rashly is like a piercing sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing
04
Discussing Expectation
A major cause of marital conflict is un-met expectations. Your partner has expectations which, if not met, leave them frustrated and dissatisfied. Learn the fundamental questions you should discuss with your partner to understand their mindset. Click the link below:
Everybody enters marriage with expectations. These expectations are hidden rules that form our reality of how a marriage should function. These expectations are usually unconscious (hidden) rules that we expect our partner to comply with.
If our partner breaks these hidden rules then we feel disappointed and unloved. Conversely, we feel especially loved and validated when our partner does specific behaviors that resonate with our expectations
Unconscious role expectations have been hard-wired in us based on our upbringing (family of origin primarily), the media, friends, books we read, the church, etc.
Since our partner is not a mind-reader, they must be made aware of what these unconscious expectations are. This awareness is most effectively accomplished through effective communication.
Your hope of having a successful marriage is determined by your ability to discuss and navigate these expectations effectively.
Expectation is living in anticipation that some things will happen?
Every spouse enters marriage with expectations.
What do you do if those expectations are not fulfilled?
Unmet expectations lead to frustrations, and disappointments.
People become upset, angry, and start resenting their spouse.
If people, however, learn how to communicate their expectations,
they would lower their frustrations in the marriage
How did you develop your expectations for marriage? From your upbringing; (Yes, your family of origin), your friends, the media, the books you read and other interests. Here are a few questions to discuss with your partner to understand their mindset and to communicate expectations for marriage. What does the word love mean to you? How do you want your spouse to express their affection for you? What’s your definition of happiness? Spirituality and worship. Discuss your core beliefs and values? Are any of these values and beliefs negotiable? What happens if one of us changes our spiritual beliefs? Fun and recreation? What is fun for you? What recreational interests do you have? How do you expect your partner to respond with regards to these interests? To participate or share in your interests or to disengage? Will disengagement create a problem? How about posting on social media? How much of your family life or interest will you display publicly? Household expectations How will you divide up the household duties? What role do you play in the marriage? What is your spouse’s role in marriage? Relational expectations How can I show you that I love you? What is something I do now, or could do in the future that would make you not trust me? Is a great career more important than our marriage and family? What kind of rules do you want to establish for our marriage? Retirement What will retirement look like for you? Where do you want to live and what will you do? (Will your partner want the same thing?) Money Are you comfortable putting all our money together and sharing an account? Are you okay with having both our names on all holdings, investments and bank accounts? Are you okay with staying in debt or do you want to live debt free? Who will be the minister of finance in your home? In-laws. What influence, if any, do you believe our families should have on our marriage? or How involved will your family be in our lives? Will you approve financial assistance for my relatives? Will you assist or support them when needed?
Conflict resolution. Let’s talk about your conflict resolution skills: How open will you be in discussing your disagreements and disappointments? How will you react or respond when hurt by your partner? Will you become explosive or withdraw in silence? Will you stonewall or discuss the issues? How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Was that a good method or not? What would you change about the way they resolve conflicts to apply to our marriage? Communication Are you capable of honestly expressing your feelings without attacking your partner's character? Are you able to listen without interrupting whenever your partner is talking? Do you become impatient easily when asked to repeat or clarify your thoughts? Do you yell or swear or engage in vulgarity when communicating? Do you habitually engage in any of these destructive patterns of behavior: Criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness and contempt. (See Divorce prevention). What does it mean to have honest conversation? Listen. Do you have good listening skills? How important is listening to what your partner has to say? Will you listen to reply, with an agenda or to learn and understand? Parenting. What parenting skills will you implement in our family? Laissez faire, authoritarian or authoritative? Will you be the indulgent parent, the authoritarian or one who combines firmness with gentleness? Time with the family. How important is allotting quality time to spend with family. What plans will you put in place to balance work time and family time? Will your career be more important than family? Commitment. The wedding vows states: “Forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him, as long as you both shall live” What does this mean for you? How can you convince me that you will be able to embrace this principle? How do you define emotional and physical infidelity? Should we end the relationship if you fail here? Divorce prevention. These are considered the 4 major predictors of divorce: Criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness and contempt. What do you know about these? How often do you exhibit these practices? How do you rate your ability to avoid these destructive habits? Marriage maintenance Will you go to marriage counseling if I ask you to? Career Do you expect to be a career woman or you intend to stay home with the kids? See the module about sex below. (Other questions about sex) What are the minimum and maximum amount of times you want to have sex in a week? What gets you in the mood to make love? What turns you off? Where do you crave to be touched before, during and after sex?
Mastering the science of Human Sexuality
There is a video discussing each of these important components of sex:
How would you respond if I told you that sex is very uncomfortable, even painful for me?
Please share your understanding of the real purpose of sex.
Considering that men and women are wired differently, what do you know about my perspective of sex?
Or. Why do women view sex differently than men?
Is sex more about your enjoyment or the other person's satisfaction. Explain why?
It is said that the man is a gas stove and the woman a hot plate. What does that mean?
Is sex only physical for you? Is it also psychological? Explain
What would you do to initiate a resolution of sexual rejection in the bedroom?
If your partner is too tired or stressed to perform sexually, how would you respond?
Is sex important to you? How would you attempt to enhance your sex life?
Do you think we should openly and candidly discuss our sex life?
If your partner told you they are not ready or in the mood, how would you respond?
If I were ever to lose interest in sex, would you dissolve the relationship? Would you divorce me?
Which is more important to you. Sex or non-sexual affection?
How many children do you want to have?
Sex is not profane. It is sacred. What does this mean to you?
What's your view of sexual betrayal (Infidelity)?
Why do you think you are capable of being loyal to one partner for life?
What are your moral boundaries with regards to sex?
Will you respect my moral boundaries?
Discussing Expectations
Everybody enters marriage with expectations. These expectations are hidden rules that form our reality of how a marriage should function. These expectations are usually unconscious (hidden) rules that we expect our partner to comply with.
If our partner breaks these hidden rules then we feel disappointed and unloved. Conversely, we feel especially loved and validated when our partner does specific behaviors that resonate with our expectations
Unconscious role expectations have been hard-wired in us based on our upbringing (family of origin primarily), the media, friends, books we read, the church, etc.
Since our partner is not a mind-reader, they must be made aware of what these unconscious expectations are. This awareness is most effectively accomplished through effective communication.
Your hope of having a successful marriage is determined by your ability to discuss and navigate these expectations effectively.
Communicating expectations, cont’d
Expectation is living in anticipation that some things will happen.
Every spouse enters marriage with expectations.
What do you do if those expectations are not fulfilled?
Unmet expectations lead to frustrations, and disappointments.
People become upset, angry, and start resenting their spouse.
If people, however, learn how to communicate their expectations,
they would lower their frustrations in the marriage
How did you develop your expectations for marriage?
From your upbringing; (Yes, your family of origin), your friends, the media, the books you read and other interests.
Here are a few questions to discuss with your partner to understand their mindset and to communicate expectations for marriage.
What does the word love mean to you?
How do you want your spouse to express their affection for you?
What is your definition of happiness?
Spirituality and worship.
Discuss your core beliefs and values? Are any of these values and beliefs negotiable?
What happens if one of us changes our spiritual beliefs?
Fun and recreation?
What is fun for you? What recreational interests do you have?
How do you expect your partner to respond with regards to these interests?
To participate or share in your interests or to disengage? Will disengagement create a problem?
How about posting on social media? How much of your family life or interest will you display publicly?
Household expectations
How will you divide up the household duties?
What role do you play in the marriage?
What is your spouse’s role in marriage?
Relational expectations
How can I show you that I love you?
What is something I do now, or could do in the future that would make you not trust me?
Is a great career more important than our marriage and family?
What kind of rules do you want to establish for our marriage?
Retirement
What will retirement look like for you?
Where do you want to live and what will you do?
(Will your partner want the same thing?)
Money
Are you comfortable putting all our money together and sharing an account?
Are you okay with having both our names on all holdings, investments and bank accounts?
Are you okay with staying in debt or do you want to live debt free?
Who will be the minister of finance in your home?
In-laws.
What influence, if any, do you believe our families should have on our marriage?
or How involved will your family be in our lives?
Will you approve financial assistance for my relatives?
Will you assist or support them when needed?
Conflict resolution.
Let us talk about your conflict resolution skills:
How open will you be in discussing your disagreements and disappointments?
How will you react or respond when hurt by your partner?
Will you become explosive or withdraw in silence? Will you stonewall or discuss the issues?
How did your family resolve conflict when you were growing up?
Was that a good method or not?
What would you change about the way they resolve conflicts to apply to our marriage?
Communication
Are you capable of honestly expressing your feelings without attacking your partner's character?
Are you able to listen without interrupting whenever your partner is talking?
Do you become impatient easily when asked to repeat or clarify your thoughts?
Do you yell or swear or engage in vulgarity when communicating?
Do you habitually engage in any of these destructive patterns of behavior?
Criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt. (See Divorce prevention).
What does it mean to have honest conversation?
Listen.
Do you have good listening skills?
How important is listening to what your partner has to say?
Will you listen to reply, with an agenda or to learn and understand?
Parenting.
What parenting skills will you implement in our family? Laissez faire, authoritarian or authoritative?
Will you be the indulgent parent, the authoritarian or one who combines firmness with gentleness?
Time with the family.
How important is allotting quality time to spend with family.
What plans will you put in place to balance work time and family time?
Will your career be more important than family?
Commitment.
The wedding vows states: “Forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him, as long as you both shall live”
What does this mean for you? How can you convince me that you will be able to embrace this principle?
How do you define emotional and physical infidelity?
Should we end the relationship if you fail here?
Divorce prevention.
These are considered the 4 major predictors of divorce: Criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.
What do you know about these?
How often do you exhibit these practices?
How do you rate your ability to avoid these destructive habits?
Marriage maintenance
Will you go to marriage counseling if I ask you to?
Career
Do you expect to be a career woman, or you intend to stay home with the kids?
Sex
See the module about sex below.
Mastering the science of Human Sexuality
There is a video discussing each of these important components of sex:
How would you respond if I told you that sex is very uncomfortable, even painful for me?
Please share your understanding of the real purpose of sex.
Considering that men and women are wired differently, what do you know about my perspective of sex?
Or. Why do women view sex differently than men?
Is sex more about your enjoyment or the other person's satisfaction. Explain why?
It is said that the man is a gas stove and the woman a hot plate. What does that mean?
Is sex only physical for you? Is it also psychological? Explain
What would you do to initiate a resolution of sexual rejection in the bedroom?
If your partner is too tired or stressed to perform sexually, how would you respond?
Is sex important to you? How would you attempt to enhance your sex life?
Do you think we should openly and candidly discuss our sex life?
If your partner told you they are not ready or in the mood, how would you respond?
If I were ever to lose interest in sex, would you dissolve the relationship? Would you divorce me?
Which is more important to you? Sex or non-sexual affection?
How many children do you want to have?
Sex is not profane. It is sacred. What does this mean to you?
What is your view of sexual betrayal (Infidelity)?
Why do you think you are capable of being loyal to one partner for life?
What are your moral boundaries with regards to sex?
Will you respect my moral boundaries?
· (Other questions about sex)
· What are the minimum and maximum number of times you want to have sex in a week?
· What gets you in the mood to make love?
· What turns you off?
· Where do you crave to be touched before, during and after sex?
05
The Art Of Listening
This is your Project description. Provide a brief summary to help visitors understand the context and background of your work. Click on "Edit Text" or double click on the text box to start.
Listening is a Fundamental Component of Communication
Make an effort to listen.
One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.
It is a primal need that people want to feel heard.
It makes them feel that they are important and appreciated; that their opinion matters and that they are connecting with you.
Feeling heard is also therapeutic.
James 1:19 King James Version 19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Proverbs 18:13 13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Proverbs%2018:13 1 Peter 3:7
King James Version 7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Proverbs 15:1
King James Version
15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1 — “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 26:20 New King James Version 20 Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; And where there is no [a]talebearer, strife ceases.
HOW TO LISTEN
1. Be Present: Physically and Psychology
Give them your undivided attention.
Have a posture of involvement- Face them when talking to them
Use appropriate eye contact
Don’t fake understanding
2. Use active listening skills
(Be an active listener, not a passive listener). Be responsive.
Paraphrasing, Reflecting feelings, Reflecting meaning.
Lean forward. Use encourages (ok, yes, etc.)
Observe Their bid to connect
* They will not cease taking until they feel heard by you. After they have been heard, they will cease talking. Then it will be your time to talk.
3. Make a commitment to listen to your spouse
“If I’m to learn anything today, I must listen more than I speak”.
Listen, not to reply, but to understand.
1 Peter 3:7
King James Version
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge (In an understanding way), giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Recap. How To Be a Great Listener * Make a commitment to listen and Be responsive. They will not cease taking until they feel heard by you. After they have been heard, they will cease talking. Then it will be your time to talk. * Stop multitasking. – With this divided attention, they will not feel heard by you. So stop everything you are doing, and give your partner undivided attention. * If you are not able to commit yourself to listen to what your spouse has to say, then arrange a more convenient season to listen. Say: ” I want to give you 100% of my attention, but I’m not able to at this moment. Can we set a time to talk about this later when I’ll be able to do justice/ I’ll be free? * Listen without an agenda. Stop thinking of what you are going to say ….. Don’t listen to reply. Don’t plot what you are going to say back.
* Listen to learn/ to discover something about your partner/ To understand them. If you don’t understand, say: I didn’t understand what you just said. could you help me understand? It shows that you are really interested in what they have to say.
There is a wonderful power in silence. When impatient words are spoken to you, do not retaliate. Words spoken in reply to one who is angry usually act as a whip, lashing the temper into greater fury. But anger met by silence quickly dies away. Let the Christian bridle his tongue, firmly resolving not to speak harsh, impatient words. With the tongue bridled, he may be victorious in every trial of patience through which he is called to pass. RC 293.2
Related: How to stop fixing, and start listening
Listen before you speak. Building up your active listening skills is crucial for solving problems, building trust, and winning the hearts and minds of people. Here’s a tip: Put down your smart phone, eliminate your distractions in the moment, and give the speaker your full attention. What you’re communicating nonverbally is “I am interested in what you have to say.” And whatever you do, don’t interrupt. This is especially true for a person who is upset and needs your undivided attention. Allow for ventilation to occur. Park your thoughts and your need for a rebuttal in the moment. Your time will come to reflect back what you heard or state your point. – Warren Buffet
Increase your worth through communication “If you can’t communicate, it’s like winking at a girl in the dark — nothing happens. You can have all the brainpower in the world, but you have to be able to transmit it,” “And the transmission is communication,” says Buffett
06
Communication
A major cause of marital conflict is un-met expectations. Your partner has expectations which, if not met, leave them frustrated and dissatisfied. Learn the 25 questions you should discuss with your spouse or fiancé to understand their mindset. Click the link below:
Communication
We must communicate. Communication is to a relationship what blood is to the body. It keeps the body alive.
Why we communicate:
1. To connect emotionally
2. Smooth out issues and reduce misunderstanding
3. Removes the need to make assumption
4. To unburden your heart. Some men say: “My wife does not understand me”.
5. To sort our thoughts, to clarify our deliberations
6. Do not just engage in errand talk. Instead talk about feelings, beliefs, and values.
7. Engage in Restorative conversation: don’t blame. Attack problem, not people. Do not be a disaster, but a master of relationships.
8. Observe the acronym: HOT.
Honesty: Come clean. Do not drip the truth.
Openness: Have family talk. “Speak what is on your mind, what’s bothering you without being judged. This is a non-judgmental zone.
Transparency: Protect trust. Never give your partner a reason to distrust you.
9. Be a good listener.
10. Do not raise your voice. Improve your argument.
Assignment: Start a family talk conference in your home weekly, say at 8;00 on Thursday. The family meets weekly, without exception and discuss matters of interest and concern. The rule is. “You can share what’s on your mind, what’s bothering you without being judged or chided for it”.
07
Her Needs
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Meeting Her Needs
Needs of the wife:
1. Talk. Her need to talk 2. Honesty. (HOT: Honesty, Openness, Transparency) 3. Lead. He is a thermostat. He gauges the temperature. He sets the mood by which the family functions. She is a thermometer: She gives the reading. She tells how hot it is 4. Time. Her need for your time. Love for her is spelt TIME 5. Affection. Her greatest need is for affection. She is deeply emotional/ affectionate 6. Her need for Affirmation: Emotional support, encouragement Proverbs 31:28 "He praises her". 7. She wants to feel Needed. 1 Peter 3: 7 "Heirs together" 8. She wants you to be vulnerable 9. She wants a provider 10. She wants a commitment to family (All or nothing at all) Analogies -You must be tired, running in my mind all day -I just called to say -I was writing a letter to my dad today The word Sacrifice means: Giving up something for the sake of another
Bible references
1 Peter 3:7. Weaker vessel; Understand her; Responder: Incubator
Like the chickens and the eggs, she does not produce the eggs. She takes what you give her, processes it, and makes it more. She is a nurturer.
His duties to her 1: Knowledge: 2: Honor him: Praise. Respect. Sensitive to Needs.
3: As weaker vessel. 4: Heirs together; equal. 5: That Prayers be not hindered Her duties to him a. Respect( Ephesians 533) b. Affirm him (call him lord first Peter 3:1-6). C. Understand him (listen to him; his a struggles , failures, accomplishments and successes. D. Meet his needs Bible references cont'd
1 Peter 3:7. Weaker vessel understand her responder incubator
Psalm 128:3. (Fruitful vine- makes her a fruitful vine. Flourishing vine) Romans 12:10. (In honor, preferring one another. Outdo each other in showing honor). Ephesians 5: 25, 26, 28: (Love her AS Christ loved the church; to sanctify her) Ephesians 5:26. (Sanctify her. To set apart for holy use) Psalm 128:3. (Fruitful vine) Deuteronomy 24: 5. (Cheers her up) Proverbs 31: 28. (He praises her) 1 Peter 3:7. (Heirs together)
08
His Needs
A major cause of marital conflict is un-met expectations. Your partner has expectations which, if not met, leave them frustrated and dissatisfied. Learn the 25 questions you should discuss with your spouse or fiancé to understand their mindset. Click the link below:
The Six Basic Needs of the man
A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five basic needs.
She does not Chide him for what he is not, but celebrate him for what he is.
The single man is asking. Can she meet my basic needs? What are my basic needs by the way?
Find out here:
1. His need for Respect
Ephesians 5:22, 23, 33
He needs her to be proud of him. He needs her to be his most ardent fan.
He needs her to treat him as her hero.
A man’s ego is the most fragile thing in the universe
Her tongue- most effective in disrespecting him.
Respect him with the children
How you live will determine how the children live as it relates to offering respect for him
Respect his position. You disrespect him by disregarding his authority in the home
2. His need for affirmation
Admiration is the energy that propels him along.
It is sweet people that create a sweet marriage
She speaks to the king in her man.
Identify the good in him and celebrate him for it.
Appreciate him for what he is.
Do not chide him for what he is not. Instead, celebrate him for what he is.
Her encouragement enables him to become more confident and achieve more
3. Domestic support
Home support.
He needs peace and quiet/ tranquility.
She creates a home that offers peace and quiet.
He needs a refuge.
Not a storm in the harbor of life, but a harbor in the storm of life.
Home for him, is rest and rejuvenation.
1 Peter 3: 1-6
The three Bs of a man: Bed, Body & Back
4. Recreational companionship
He wants a recreational companion.
He complains: Why don’t you do this with me anymore?
The need to have fun with his partner is a great need of a man
Think of his recreational habits as a boy
5. Intimacy sexual fulfillment
Proverbs 5:15 - 19
Proverbs 4 :9
Hebrews 13:4
This need is strong and must be satisfied, else sets the stage for an affair
Avoid sexual rejection/ loneliness.
Why do you take your car to the gas station? Do you need gas?
No. The car needs gas. You give the car what it needs.
6. An attractive spouse: PIES
The Bible reminds us: “If a man looks at a woman.”
His need for her attractiveness.
She is possessed of inner and outer beauty. She dresses in a way that is attractive and tasteful to him. He is pleased with, and proud of her.
He admires the soft and feminine side of her.
Ladies. You are not persuasive or attractive when you are abrasive
The acronym: PIES
P Physical attractiveness. However, don’t over accentuate the external, the outer shell
I Intellectual attractiveness. Be committed to personal growth and development.
E Emotional attractiveness. Most important for the relationship EQ
S Spiritual attractiveness. Your beliefs and values.
All the things to understand about a man
He needs a good listener
You must be obvious because men do not like hints
He wants a woman with a positive attitude
Physical attractiveness.
He wants transparency.
He wants a willingness to listen
Respect him. If not, he finds it difficult to love you.
Loyalty and support
Your feminine energy
Identify the best in him, even when he cannot see it.
Speak to the king in your man
Bible references
Proverbs 9:13 Clamorous or simple woman
Proverbs 19:13 Contentions of a wife
Proverbs 21:9,19; 25:24 Corner of the house top wilderness
Song of Solomon 4:9 to 5:1
Song of Solomon 1:8-10
1 Peter 3:1-5
Ephesians 5:22,23,33
Song of Solomon8:1,2,6.
1 Corinthians 7:1-5
Hebrews 13:4
Proverbs 9:13; 19:13; 21:9
Proverbs 25:24
Happiness is the core in relationships
Even if things are tough, as long as happiness exists, both parties can survive anything in a relationship.
Meeting needs
Proverbs 31:28 Praises her
1 Peter 3:1-6 Calls him Lord
Ephesians 5:33 Respect him
Philippines 4:8 Whatsoever things are lovely
Mark 10:45 Jesus came to serve/ to meet Needs
file:///C:/Users/Lloyd/Documents/HIS%20NEEDS.pdf
09
In-Laws
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In laws.
1. When you marry, you also marry your spouse’s family.
2. Discuss: Where would you retire?
3. How should you relate to the stepchildren, mother-in-law etc.
4. Have you visited their home to ascertain whether you can be integrated in the family?
5. Will you spend on the needs of the in-laws, example when they are sick etc.
6. The mother-in-law is old and wants the companionship of her only son. Should she live with you? How do you deal with such issue? There must be discussion and consensus with your spouse
7. The mother-in-law comes over to check on her daughter, how she is being treated by her husband. Enters the kitchen and lifts the pot cover, or checks the closet, etc. Should the husband intervene and confront the in-law? Who should speak up? The daughter confronts the relatives
8. Should you consult your mother or dad before consulting your spouse when making family decision? The marriage bond is the most sacred on earth.
Bible references
Leave and cleave
As for me and my house
9. What if your relatives want to abuse your spouse, verbally or otherwise? What should you do? You protect your spouse, even against your own family.
10.A relative wants to stay or live with your family. Must be decided by mutual discussion and consent.
11.Relatives who have different beliefs or value system. They love to play music with profanity or obscene lyrics, for example. Should they manipulate your home atmosphere? Educate them regarding your beliefs ahead of time.
12.Should you vent to your relatives when there are problems in the family? Should you divulge the negatives in your relationship to your relatives. Never. Only talk about the positives in your relationship.
13.Try as best as you can to have a great relationship with your in-laws. Live peaceably with the in-laws.
14. Should the step children (before the marriage) be entitled to your legacy over and above your spouse? Inform your spouse regarding your business details. Your spouse should be given priority.
10
The Excellent Spouse
A major cause of marital conflict is un-met expectations. Your partner has expectations which, if not met, leave them frustrated and dissatisfied. Learn the 25 questions you should discuss with your spouse or fiancé to understand their mindset. Click the link below:
The Happy Couple
SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES
1. Happily married couples understand the importance of touch. They hug each other often while whispering affirmative words: Love you. You are the sweetest thing that ever happen to me.
2. Happily married couples understand the power of words. They scan the atmosphere to find their spouse doing good. They seek to identify the good they do and celebrate them for it. They expect the best and see the best in their partner. They don't wait until death to eulogize their partner. No, they scatter the rose while they can still smell the fragrance. They understand the amazing power of words to trigger the secretion of neurotransmitters that activate the pleasure centers of the brain, thus enhancing the happiness of their spouse.
3. Happily married couples understand the power of words. They know that one negative or abusive word hurled at each other can extinguish the flame of love and happiness and so they resolutely avoid it.
4. Happily married couples understand the importance of serving each other. They administer to their spouse the best customer service. They anticipate and seek earnestly to meet each other’s needs.
5. Happily married couples understand vulnerability. They are not arrogant, but instead they can be influenced by each other. They are not proud but are humble enough to be their partner’s best student.
6. Happily married couples understand family finance. It is not a tug a war between "how much I earn and how much they spend". Rather, it is our resources, and we are building a life together. Whatever I earn, I earn on behalf of the family and for their good.
7. Happily married couples understand the importance of communication. They don’t repress their feelings and resort to stonewalling. Instead they seek for gentle inoffensive ways to express themselves. They seek to become great listeners, remembering that their partner too, has a story to tell.
8. Happily married couples are sensitive to the feelings of their partner. They know how to empathize and walk in their partner’s shoes. They are gentle and patient with each other’s flaws, faults and mistakes.
9. Happily married couples know that friendship is the ultimate goal. They listen, talk and laugh with each other. They exhibit good team spirit, remembering that they are not opponents but instead are performers on the same team.
10. Happily married couples understand the purpose of sex, to allow for the deepest expression of their love for each other. They don’t defraud each other, waiting until they "feel like it". They don’t ignore each other’s needs or seek only their own pleasure. They seek a better understanding of each other’s body and assist in improving the health and wellbeing of each other. They are gentle and tender and understanding. They ask questions and they listen to understand how they can offer the best customer service.
11. The happiest couples “turn toward bid” rather than “turn away bid”. They don't ignore their partner’s efforts to ignite the flame of love or strengthen the bond of affection. Instead, they quickly recognize their spouse’s bid or attempt to connect with them and respond in ways that show respect and due regard. They maximize every effort to improve the relationship.
12. The happiest couples discuss expectations. They don’t recoil in silence expecting their partner to be a mind reader. They don’t wait until their hopes are dashed and their unspoken requests are left unmet, then they rant and rave and start a blame game. No, they initiate the conversation by asking questions and giving answers. They are patient and gentle with their partner’s lapse in judgment or lack of intuition remembering that marriage is the union of two imperfect persons.
13. The happiest couples are constantly seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills. They don’t yell or raise their voice in impatience. Instead, they improve their argument while searching for the facts.
14. Happily married couples learn to deal effectively with the in-laws. When there’s an issue with her relatives, for example, she confronts them while protecting his reputation. They protect each other’s image by sharing the good and not the bad with the relatives, except an extremely dire occurrence warrants it.
They are generous and gentle with the in-laws. They support them with cash and kind when needed, remembering that they are married, not only to their partner, but also to their partner’s immediate family.
They don’t discuss important family matters with the relatives, before their spouse is aware. They don’t allow their relatives to meddle. They understand that the marriage bond is the closest and most sacred human relationship and it’s borders must be protected at all cost.
15. **They don’t escalate a volatile scenario with impetuous words, instead they give the soft answer that turns away wrath. They attack problem and not people. They listen, not to reply but to understand.
**They don’t use or berate people. They support, encourage and edify their spouse. They have a mindset of healing. They engage in restorative conversation remembering that God has committed to them the ministry of reconciliation.
16. Happily married couples understand the importance of wisdom. They know they are dealing with an intelligent being, so they don’t expect to always have things done according to their own plan or desire. They listen to each other’s perspectives and adjust and edit their projections and programs as deem necessary. They know they are joint heirs together, so they give and take and adjust and compromise so that the best decision prevails. It’s not a monologue but a dialogue, and each other’s viewpoint is respected. As a result, they transition from being twain but one, and experience the joy and thrill of true intimacy.